The ministry of Defense has never been open about the dangers of an invasion of Earth by extraterrestrials. My sources inside the Ministry tell me that on at least one occasion Earth was threatened with such a fate. The hostile aliens, the Squolag of M’foog IV, were only stopped by their genetic predisposition to clumsiness and being lethally accident prone. Apparently, the ‘Sub-Commander’ in charge of their battle fleet accidentally left the hand break off on their flagship; which sent it crashing back down onto their own planet wiping out about a third of the population. After this unhappy event, (I say unhappy, unhappy for them anyway), The Squolag gave up all thoughts of Galactic conquest and took basket weaving and other such harmless pursuits. Interestingly, The Squolag are distant relative of the Renaark of the Planet Bufwaa. The Renaark, however, are no threat to Earth at all. In fact, although highly intelligent, The Renaark have such a short term memory that whenever they make any kind of Scientific or cultural breakthrough they, almost immediately, forget its purpose or how to operate it or, indeed, what it is. So far, they have not advanced far beyond the equivalent of Earth’s Stone Age. One does wonder where the Ministry of Defense gets its information from to substantiate such claims. Probably from the same source as their information on weapons of mass destruction.

Tzar Alexander I of Russia believed that trousers were subversive. He was so worried about the spate of trouser wearing in Russia that he ordered trouser searches across Russia. His troops were ordered to search all the carriages in the country and, if anyone was found to be wearing trousers, they were to be cut off at the knees. (That’s their trousers,not their knees). Well, if I were Tzar of all the Russia’s  I would have ordered the banning of clothes by women under twenty-five.

‘Face furniture’, or beards and the like is not to be recommended.  In my day, no such thing was tolerated. In fact beards and moustaches were banned from most upmarket shops . Except Lloyd’s of London who just prohibited their staff from wearing moustaches or beards during working hours.

I must warn all my reader(s) that they must under no circumstances mistake the word ‘Pawn’ for ‘porn’.  It can lead to the most dastardly complications; as when I accidentally sold my wife to an Albanian sex ring. Luckily I got her back by trading our Kitchen maid and some jolly good cigars.

At present, there are at least three claiments to the throne of France: The ‘Orleanist’ contender, Prince Henri, count of Paris and Duke of France; the ‘Legitimist’ claiment Louis Alphonse’ Duke of Anjou, and the ‘Bonapartist’ candidate Prince Napoleon. In my opinion, it’s a good thing the job’s already taken. Who’d want to rule a country full of women that don’t shave and men that run at the first sign of battle.

Throughout the centuries, history has been awash with scandalous and improbable rumours regarding members of the Royal family; Did Queen Elizabeth have sex? Did Richard I have a lion for a heart? Is Prince Andrew a heterosexual? Many of these are completely unfounded but I am at liberty to reveal a scandal to top all scandals…. Henry the Two Cock King…

Yes it’s true Henry VIII did indeed possess two penises. Questions about his special ‘hosiery’ requirements and extravagant tailoring bills were quelled at the time but new documentation from Royal hatters and hosiers ‘Dempsey & Makepeices’ has been discovered by my wine merchants ‘Barry Bros & Rod’ under a box of cheesy quavers in their shop on St James’s Street.

I have been allowed to examine said articles and the inventories undoubtedly show ‘double necked codpieces’ were being procured by Royal Appointment throughout Henry’s reign. In the notes referring to a product named as the ‘Dual Coddery Deluxe’ it draws special attention to the following line :’Thou mus’d be sure to conceal the unusual weaponery protruding from the opening in the fat man’s tights’.

Of course, odd body parts are nothing new to the Royal family… Henry III or ‘haermaphrodite Henry’ as Shakespeare refers to him also possessed a ‘growler’ alongside his ‘canon’, Anne Boleyn had three nipples and Prince Philip has an arsehole for a mouth.

I’ve been lucky enough to have seen a lot of the world in my time and, as such, I’ve developed many interests. I have become more and more interested in the animal kingdom, for example. One of the strangest sights I ever saw was the Balogo Monkey of East Africa. This remarkable animal is able to mimic the voice and movements of Mick Jagger to a startling degree of accuracy. It has been known to reel off whole albums of material whilst dancing in the lush undergrowth of the L’ompini hills. Regrettably, they appear unable to mimic any other human sounds; thus limiting their material and lessening the chance of a lucrative recording contract.

My wife and I often enjoy a good curry. Recently we’ve experimented with More exotic tastes. There are some things though that would shake even the sturdiest British stomach. The world’s strongest chilli for instance. I’m reliably informed that the ‘Devil’s Penis’ is the strongest chilli known to man. Try if you like, but chomping on the Devils cock was never my idea of a good time.

It’s been said that the battle of Waterloo was a ‘near run thing’. This is hardly surprising given the quality of some of the generals involved. You may have read my previous post about dear old, mad, general Erskine but the mind boggles at the shear inadequacy and lunacy of the leaders of men in this particular battle. The Prince of Orange, for example, was a half-wit of the first order. General Blucher, commander of the Prussian army, was a mad old duffer who was under the delusion that he had been made pregnant by a Frenchman and was going to give birth to an elephant. I think it was wind myself.

I’m very proud of my title. I earned it after all, not like these sportsmen, grocers and ‘chat show’ hosts that get handed them nowerdays. In 1701 the Emperor of Persia had the enchanting title of ‘The Sun of Glory and the Nutmeg of  Delight’.  Tsar Nicholas II’s titles were far grander. They were; By the grace of God,Emperor and Autocrat of all the Russias, of Moskow, Kiev, Vladimir, Novgorod, Tsar of Kazan, Tsar of Astrakhan, Tsar of Poland, Tsar of Siberia, Tsar of Tauric Khersones, Tsar of Georgia, Lord of Pskov, and Grand Duke of Smolensk, Lithuania, Volhynia, Podolia and Finland, Prince of Estonia, Courland and Semigalia, Samogitia, Bialystock, Karalia, Tver, Yugra, Perm, Vyatka, Bulgaria and other territories; Lord and Grand Duke of Nizhni Novgorod, Chernigov; Ruler of Ryazan, Polotsk, Rostov, Yaroslavl, Beloozero, Udoria, Obdoria, Kondia,Vitebsk, Msislav and all the northern territories; Ruler of Iveria, Karalinia and the Kambardinian lands and Armenian territories; hereditary Ruler and Lord of the Cherkess and Mountain Princes and others ;Lord of Turkestan, Heir of Norway, Duke of Schleswig-Holstein, Stomarn, Dithmarschen, Oldenburg and so forth, and so forth, and so forth. Introductions at parties must have been a nightmare!