In some states of America, it is legal for a dog to give evidence in a trial. In a similar vain, A pig was once hanged for witchcraft in France. A pity the didnt burn it at the stake; they could have had a barbecue.

I once met a chap called Pablo Remirres of Nachos, New mexico. He claimed that he was the ancestor of the Aztec kings of Mexico and held the secret to the location of the Aztec gold. Unfortunately, Pablo proved to be a habitual drunk and the gold was a cat called Jose. He led us a merry dance, ha ha.

Celebrities get everywhere nowadays. All this overexposure can be no good for them really.One recently poll claimed that 73% of all schoolchildren think that ‘Aemon Holmes is the Antichrist’ and that Simon Cowell is ‘the Devil himself’.

For a long time, when a man says to his partner that he ‘needs more space’ it’s been considered to be a vague statement of his lack of commitment to the relationship.

However, scientists have managed to measure this ’space’ for the very first time.

The Faculty of Men’s Issues at the University of Kentish Town have been conducting research over the past seven years and have concluded that the ’space’ a man needs between himself and his spouse is (on average) 5.3 metres. Or, as a rule of thumb, the distance between the TV remote control and the kitchen kettle. Emmeline Pankhurst was unavailable for comment, probably because she’s dead.

The British civil service, of course, never makes mistake. The civil services of other countries, however, are not always so efficient. Well, they don’t have the likes of me working for them, what! In 2003 the German authorities sent St Walpurga a demand for immediate payment of a TV licence. Father Karl Terhorst of the Roman Catholic church of St Walpurga in Ramsdorf was obliged to write and explain that St Walpurga had died in 779.

One of the strangest representations of Chinese architecture I discovered , during my time in the region, was the World’s largest representation of an erect Penis. Known as the Sky Pillar, it is a 30ft tall shamanic Penis ‘erected’ in the Longwan Shaman Amusement Park in Changchun city, China. The good lady wife said it reminded her of something, can’t think what….

The levels of childhood obesity are truly shocking today. One recent report in the papers reported that ‘3 out of 100 school children questioned, admitted eating a fellow pupil in the last three months’. It’s high time the government took up my idea, published in a letter to the times, to attach treadmills to the desks in classrooms.

During my travels, I have come across many strange religions and superstitions. Being Church of England myself, I put little credence in any of them but the strange ways of ‘Johnny foreigner’ are always amusing. Some South American tribes believe that Humans climbed down from Heaven, though a hole in the sky. They were unable to return to Heaven as a fat woman had got stuck in the hole.

Old ‘Porky’ Patterson told me a tale the other night that shook me to the very core. Generally, Vampires are thought to be a myth but ‘Porky’ begged to differ. Some years ago he had occasion to visit Buckingham Palace. Whilst there, he was ‘caught short’ as they say. Combing through the Palace for the nearest lavatory he opened a door only to gasp in horror at what he saw. Discarding the freshly drained corpse of a young virgin, Prince Phillip yelled ‘I will live beyond the grave!’. Old ‘Porky’ ran for his life, all thoughts of the toilet banished from his mind, to the sound of maniacal laughter. He admitted to me that he had never revealed this horrid business to anyone and had, frankly, drunk rather a lot of port.

Young ladies should never, I believe, be allowed out without a chaperon. If they should find it necessary to travel alone. One early travel guide advised women traveling on trains to put pins in their mouths, to avoid unwanted kisses from men, when traveling through tunnels.