‘Face furniture’, or beards and the like is not to be recommended.  In my day, no such thing was tolerated. In fact beards and moustaches were banned from most upmarket shops . Except Lloyd’s of London who just prohibited their staff from wearing moustaches or beards during working hours.

I must warn all my reader(s) that they must under no circumstances mistake the word ‘Pawn’ for ‘porn’.  It can lead to the most dastardly complications; as when I accidentally sold my wife to an Albanian sex ring. Luckily I got her back by trading our Kitchen maid and some jolly good cigars.

At present, there are at least three claiments to the throne of France: The ‘Orleanist’ contender, Prince Henri, count of Paris and Duke of France; the ‘Legitimist’ claiment Louis Alphonse’ Duke of Anjou, and the ‘Bonapartist’ candidate Prince Napoleon. In my opinion, it’s a good thing the job’s already taken. Who’d want to rule a country full of women that don’t shave and men that run at the first sign of battle.

Throughout the centuries, history has been awash with scandalous and improbable rumours regarding members of the Royal family; Did Queen Elizabeth have sex? Did Richard I have a lion for a heart? Is Prince Andrew a heterosexual? Many of these are completely unfounded but I am at liberty to reveal a scandal to top all scandals…. Henry the Two Cock King…

Yes it’s true Henry VIII did indeed possess two penises. Questions about his special ‘hosiery’ requirements and extravagant tailoring bills were quelled at the time but new documentation from Royal hatters and hosiers ‘Dempsey & Makepeices’ has been discovered by my wine merchants ‘Barry Bros & Rod’ under a box of cheesy quavers in their shop on St James’s Street.

I have been allowed to examine said articles and the inventories undoubtedly show ‘double necked codpieces’ were being procured by Royal Appointment throughout Henry’s reign. In the notes referring to a product named as the ‘Dual Coddery Deluxe’ it draws special attention to the following line :’Thou mus’d be sure to conceal the unusual weaponery protruding from the opening in the fat man’s tights’.

Of course, odd body parts are nothing new to the Royal family… Henry III or ‘haermaphrodite Henry’ as Shakespeare refers to him also possessed a ‘growler’ alongside his ‘canon’, Anne Boleyn had three nipples and Prince Philip has an arsehole for a mouth.