I heard,  the other day, that a group of scientists had done a study on dreams. Their idea was that people who were brought up with color TV dreamed in color and those who’ve been brought up with black and white TV dream in black and white. When I was growing up we didn’t have TV. we had to make do with simple pastimes; like catching a ball in a cup, running a hoop with a stick, or a game of shove-halfpenny. Maybe, thats when I dream, I dream of The BBC world service.

In medieval times powdered mummies, that is mummified corpses, were considered to be an incredibly efficacious cure for all number of illnesses, if taken orally. Unfortunately, real mummies were hard to come by; so physicians took to stealing corpses from the gallows, drying then in ovens and coating them in pitch to give them that authentic ‘mummified’ look.

Toast is one of my great loves. Toast with jam, marmalade or just butter. Toast, however, can be deadly.  Witness the case of Lord Castlereagh, a Tory statesman who’se  suicide, in 1822, created consternation at the time. Lord Castlereagh commited suicideon the 18th of August, 1822 in a fit of madness. The artist Benjamin Haydon (1786-1846) believed that the good Lord had died from an access of hot , buttered toast.

I was told the other day that the Barnacle has, relative to it’s size, the largest penis in the animal kingdom. It’s a coincidence really, as the good lady wife has often told me my penis is the size of a barnacle.

Tzar Alexander I of Russia believed that trousers were subversive. He was so worried about the spate of trouser wearing in Russia that he ordered trouser searches across Russia. His troops were ordered to search all the carriages in the country and, if anyone was found to be wearing trousers, they were to be cut off at the knees. (That’s their trousers,not their knees). Well, if I were Tzar of all the Russia’s  I would have ordered the banning of clothes by women under twenty-five.

‘Face furniture’, or beards and the like is not to be recommended.  In my day, no such thing was tolerated. In fact beards and moustaches were banned from most upmarket shops . Except Lloyd’s of London who just prohibited their staff from wearing moustaches or beards during working hours.

At present, there are at least three claiments to the throne of France: The ‘Orleanist’ contender, Prince Henri, count of Paris and Duke of France; the ‘Legitimist’ claiment Louis Alphonse’ Duke of Anjou, and the ‘Bonapartist’ candidate Prince Napoleon. In my opinion, it’s a good thing the job’s already taken. Who’d want to rule a country full of women that don’t shave and men that run at the first sign of battle.

Throughout the centuries, history has been awash with scandalous and improbable rumours regarding members of the Royal family; Did Queen Elizabeth have sex? Did Richard I have a lion for a heart? Is Prince Andrew a heterosexual? Many of these are completely unfounded but I am at liberty to reveal a scandal to top all scandals…. Henry the Two Cock King…

Yes it’s true Henry VIII did indeed possess two penises. Questions about his special ‘hosiery’ requirements and extravagant tailoring bills were quelled at the time but new documentation from Royal hatters and hosiers ‘Dempsey & Makepeices’ has been discovered by my wine merchants ‘Barry Bros & Rod’ under a box of cheesy quavers in their shop on St James’s Street.

I have been allowed to examine said articles and the inventories undoubtedly show ‘double necked codpieces’ were being procured by Royal Appointment throughout Henry’s reign. In the notes referring to a product named as the ‘Dual Coddery Deluxe’ it draws special attention to the following line :’Thou mus’d be sure to conceal the unusual weaponery protruding from the opening in the fat man’s tights’.

Of course, odd body parts are nothing new to the Royal family… Henry III or ‘haermaphrodite Henry’ as Shakespeare refers to him also possessed a ‘growler’ alongside his ‘canon’, Anne Boleyn had three nipples and Prince Philip has an arsehole for a mouth.

My wife and I often enjoy a good curry. Recently we’ve experimented with More exotic tastes. There are some things though that would shake even the sturdiest British stomach. The world’s strongest chilli for instance. I’m reliably informed that the ‘Devil’s Penis’ is the strongest chilli known to man. Try if you like, but chomping on the Devils cock was never my idea of a good time.

It’s been said that the battle of Waterloo was a ‘near run thing’. This is hardly surprising given the quality of some of the generals involved. You may have read my previous post about dear old, mad, general Erskine but the mind boggles at the shear inadequacy and lunacy of the leaders of men in this particular battle. The Prince of Orange, for example, was a half-wit of the first order. General Blucher, commander of the Prussian army, was a mad old duffer who was under the delusion that he had been made pregnant by a Frenchman and was going to give birth to an elephant. I think it was wind myself.