The ministry of Defense has never been open about the dangers of an invasion of Earth by extraterrestrials. My sources inside the Ministry tell me that on at least one occasion Earth was threatened with such a fate. The hostile aliens, the Squolag of M’foog IV, were only stopped by their genetic predisposition to clumsiness and being lethally accident prone. Apparently, the ‘Sub-Commander’ in charge of their battle fleet accidentally left the hand break off on their flagship; which sent it crashing back down onto their own planet wiping out about a third of the population. After this unhappy event, (I say unhappy, unhappy for them anyway), The Squolag gave up all thoughts of Galactic conquest and took basket weaving and other such harmless pursuits. Interestingly, The Squolag are distant relative of the Renaark of the Planet Bufwaa. The Renaark, however, are no threat to Earth at all. In fact, although highly intelligent, The Renaark have such a short term memory that whenever they make any kind of Scientific or cultural breakthrough they, almost immediately, forget its purpose or how to operate it or, indeed, what it is. So far, they have not advanced far beyond the equivalent of Earth’s Stone Age. One does wonder where the Ministry of Defense gets its information from to substantiate such claims. Probably from the same source as their information on weapons of mass destruction.

I’ve been lucky enough to have seen a lot of the world in my time and, as such, I’ve developed many interests. I have become more and more interested in the animal kingdom, for example. One of the strangest sights I ever saw was the Balogo Monkey of East Africa. This remarkable animal is able to mimic the voice and movements of Mick Jagger to a startling degree of accuracy. It has been known to reel off whole albums of material whilst dancing in the lush undergrowth of the L’ompini hills. Regrettably, they appear unable to mimic any other human sounds; thus limiting their material and lessening the chance of a lucrative recording contract.

U.S. President, George W. Bush, has a morbid fear of peanuts; according to my source in the Foreign Office.

I went lawn bowling with old ‘nobbin’ Williams the other day. It made me think; who did invent the beautiful game of lawn bowls. Apparently, the game was probably invented in Russia in the 12th century. Their game, however, involved earthen wear bowls thrown at a fireplace. It would be a few hundred years before the idea of balls came into the game.

My good lady wife is still as sprightly as the day I met her. One of her favourite hobbies is cycling which she insists keeps her young. As she pointed out to me the other day; 43% of women over 70 admit to having orgasms whilst riding bicycles.

I once met a chap called Pablo Remirres of Nachos, New mexico. He claimed that he was the ancestor of the Aztec kings of Mexico and held the secret to the location of the Aztec gold. Unfortunately, Pablo proved to be a habitual drunk and the gold was a cat called Jose. He led us a merry dance, ha ha.

For a long time, when a man says to his partner that he ‘needs more space’ it’s been considered to be a vague statement of his lack of commitment to the relationship.

However, scientists have managed to measure this ’space’ for the very first time.

The Faculty of Men’s Issues at the University of Kentish Town have been conducting research over the past seven years and have concluded that the ’space’ a man needs between himself and his spouse is (on average) 5.3 metres. Or, as a rule of thumb, the distance between the TV remote control and the kitchen kettle. Emmeline Pankhurst was unavailable for comment, probably because she’s dead.

The levels of childhood obesity are truly shocking today. One recent report in the papers reported that ‘3 out of 100 school children questioned, admitted eating a fellow pupil in the last three months’. It’s high time the government took up my idea, published in a letter to the times, to attach treadmills to the desks in classrooms.

Old ‘Porky’ Patterson told me a tale the other night that shook me to the very core. Generally, Vampires are thought to be a myth but ‘Porky’ begged to differ. Some years ago he had occasion to visit Buckingham Palace. Whilst there, he was ‘caught short’ as they say. Combing through the Palace for the nearest lavatory he opened a door only to gasp in horror at what he saw. Discarding the freshly drained corpse of a young virgin, Prince Phillip yelled ‘I will live beyond the grave!’. Old ‘Porky’ ran for his life, all thoughts of the toilet banished from his mind, to the sound of maniacal laughter. He admitted to me that he had never revealed this horrid business to anyone and had, frankly, drunk rather a lot of port.

During my time in Malaya, I occasionally visited the local opium dens. Strictly as part of my official duties, you understand. Wonderful, colorful places they were too. On my return to these fair shores, I decided to attempt a comparison by visiting one to the local ‘drug dens’. I was most disappointed and embarked upon a survey to determine if other customers felt the same. A whopping 93% of those polled were unhappy with their local crack houses. “They’re filthy and the service is appalling” said said Mr Alf Mumbles of Tring.