I must warn all my reader(s) that they must under no circumstances mistake the word ‘Pawn’ for ‘porn’.  It can lead to the most dastardly complications; as when I accidentally sold my wife to an Albanian sex ring. Luckily I got her back by trading our Kitchen maid and some jolly good cigars.

Celebrities get everywhere nowadays. All this overexposure can be no good for them really.One recently poll claimed that 73% of all schoolchildren think that ‘Aemon Holmes is the Antichrist’ and that Simon Cowell is ‘the Devil himself’.

I was at the Stroking Gentlemen’s Club the other week, dining with one of the younger members. He suggested, during the meal, that the Club was ‘a tad old fashioned’. What rot! Still, I gave the young fellow, Huntley-Parmer I think he was called, the chance to expand on this novel, if not positively revolutionary idea. He suggested, that the Club might benefit from a ‘pole dancing’ room. ‘Well, I don’t know, ladies in the Club and all that’ I retorted. When he explained what this ‘pole dancing’ involved I was intrigued. Over the following weeks, I did some quite exhaustive research into the matter. Amongst other things I discovered that 85% of Polish pole dancers polled think that English poles are not as polished as Polish poles.