Sir Montague Scratchbodies Ministry of Disinformation

Dreams

Montague — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 20:21:42 +0000

I heard, the other day, that a group of scientists had done a study on dreams. Their idea was that people who were brought up with color TV dreamed in color and those who’ve been brought up with black and white TV dream in black and white. When I was growing up we didn’t have TV. we had to make do with simple pastimes; like catching a ball in a cup, running a hoop with a stick, or a game of shove-halfpenny. Maybe, thats when I dream, I dream of The BBC world service.

Yummy Mummy

Montague — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 11:35:42 +0000

In medieval times powdered mummies, that is mummified corpses, were considered to be an incredibly efficacious cure for all number of illnesses, if taken orally. Unfortunately, real mummies were hard to come by; so physicians took to stealing corpses from the gallows, drying then in ovens and coating them in pitch to give them that authentic ‘mummified’ look.

Death by toast

Montague — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 11:31:05 +0000

Toast is one of my great loves. Toast with jam, marmalade or just butter. Toast, however, can be deadly. Witness the case of Lord Castlereagh, a Tory statesman who’se suicide, in 1822, created consternation at the time. Lord Castlereagh commited suicideon the 18th of August, 1822 in a fit of madness. The artist Benjamin Haydon (1786-1846) believed that the good Lord had died from an access of hot , buttered toast.

Barnacle

Montague — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 23:27:44 +0000

I was told the other day that the Barnacle has, relative to it’s size, the largest penis in the animal kingdom. It’s a coincidence really, as the good lady wife has often told me my penis is the size of a barnacle.

This Island Earth

Montague — Sun, 18 May 2008 05:16:07 +0000

The ministry of Defense has never been open about the dangers of an invasion of Earth by extraterrestrials. My sources inside the Ministry tell me that on at least one occasion Earth was threatened with such a fate. The hostile aliens, the Squolag of M’foog IV, were only stopped by their genetic predisposition to clumsiness and being lethally accident prone. Apparently, the ‘Sub-Commander’ in charge of their battle fleet accidentally left the hand break off on their flagship; which sent it crashing back down onto their own planet wiping out about a third of the population. After this unhappy event, (I say unhappy, unhappy for them anyway), The Squolag gave up all thoughts of Galactic conquest and took basket weaving and other such harmless pursuits. Interestingly, The Squolag are distant relative of the Renaark of the Planet Bufwaa. The Renaark, however, are no threat to Earth at all. In fact, although highly intelligent, The Renaark have such a short term memory that whenever they make any kind of Scientific or cultural breakthrough they, almost immediately, forget its purpose or how to operate it or, indeed, what it is. So far, they have not advanced far beyond the equivalent of Earth’s Stone Age. One does wonder where the Ministry of Defense gets its information from to substantiate such claims. Probably from the same source as their information on weapons of mass destruction.

The Emporer’s trousers

Montague — Fri, 02 May 2008 23:53:53 +0000

Tzar Alexander I of Russia believed that trousers were subversive. He was so worried about the spate of trouser wearing in Russia that he ordered trouser searches across Russia. His troops were ordered to search all the carriages in the country and, if anyone was found to be wearing trousers, they were to be cut off at the knees. (That’s their trousers,not their knees). Well, if I were Tzar of all the Russia’s I would have ordered the banning of clothes by women under twenty-five.

Face furniture

Montague — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 03:39:19 +0000

‘Face furniture’, or beards and the like is not to be recommended. In my day, no such thing was tolerated. In fact beards and moustaches were banned from most upmarket shops . Except Lloyd’s of London who just prohibited their staff from wearing moustaches or beards during working hours.

Pawn

Montague — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 01:21:59 +0000

I must warn all my reader(s) that they must under no circumstances mistake the word ‘Pawn’ for ‘porn’. It can lead to the most dastardly complications; as when I accidentally sold my wife to an Albanian sex ring. Luckily I got her back by trading our Kitchen maid and some jolly good cigars.

King of the Franks

Montague — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 00:58:21 +0000

At present, there are at least three claiments to the throne of France: The ‘Orleanist’ contender, Prince Henri, count of Paris and Duke of France; the ‘Legitimist’ claiment Louis Alphonse’ Duke of Anjou, and the ‘Bonapartist’ candidate Prince Napoleon. In my opinion, it’s a good thing the job’s already taken. Who’d want to rule a country full of women that don’t shave and men that run at the first sign of battle.

Henry Two Dicks

Montague — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 23:40:02 +0000

Throughout the centuries, history has been awash with scandalous and improbable rumours regarding members of the Royal family; Did Queen Elizabeth have sex? Did Richard I have a lion for a heart? Is Prince Andrew a heterosexual? Many of these are completely unfounded but I am at liberty to reveal a scandal to top all scandals…. Henry the Two Cock King…

Yes it’s true Henry VIII did indeed possess two penises. Questions about his special ‘hosiery’ requirements and extravagant tailoring bills were quelled at the time but new documentation from Royal hatters and hosiers ‘Dempsey & Makepeices’ has been discovered by my wine merchants ‘Barry Bros & Rod’ under a box of cheesy quavers in their shop on St James’s Street.

I have been allowed to examine said articles and the inventories undoubtedly show ‘double necked codpieces’ were being procured by Royal Appointment throughout Henry’s reign. In the notes referring to a product named as the ‘Dual Coddery Deluxe’ it draws special attention to the following line :’Thou mus’d be sure to conceal the unusual weaponery protruding from the opening in the fat man’s tights’.

Of course, odd body parts are nothing new to the Royal family… Henry III or ‘haermaphrodite Henry’ as Shakespeare refers to him also possessed a ‘growler’ alongside his ‘canon’, Anne Boleyn had three nipples and Prince Philip has an arsehole for a mouth.