I’ve been lucky enough to have seen a lot of the world in my time and, as such, I’ve developed many interests. I have become more and more interested in the animal kingdom, for example. One of the strangest sights I ever saw was the Balogo Monkey of East Africa. This remarkable animal is able to mimic the voice and movements of Mick Jagger to a startling degree of accuracy. It has been known to reel off whole albums of material whilst dancing in the lush undergrowth of the L’ompini hills. Regrettably, they appear unable to mimic any other human sounds; thus limiting their material and lessening the chance of a lucrative recording contract.

My wife and I often enjoy a good curry. Recently we’ve experimented with More exotic tastes. There are some things though that would shake even the sturdiest British stomach. The world’s strongest chilli for instance. I’m reliably informed that the ‘Devil’s Penis’ is the strongest chilli known to man. Try if you like, but chomping on the Devils cock was never my idea of a good time.

It’s been said that the battle of Waterloo was a ‘near run thing’. This is hardly surprising given the quality of some of the generals involved. You may have read my previous post about dear old, mad, general Erskine but the mind boggles at the shear inadequacy and lunacy of the leaders of men in this particular battle. The Prince of Orange, for example, was a half-wit of the first order. General Blucher, commander of the Prussian army, was a mad old duffer who was under the delusion that he had been made pregnant by a Frenchman and was going to give birth to an elephant. I think it was wind myself.

I’m very proud of my title. I earned it after all, not like these sportsmen, grocers and ‘chat show’ hosts that get handed them nowerdays. In 1701 the Emperor of Persia had the enchanting title of ‘The Sun of Glory and the Nutmeg of  Delight’.  Tsar Nicholas II’s titles were far grander. They were; By the grace of God,Emperor and Autocrat of all the Russias, of Moskow, Kiev, Vladimir, Novgorod, Tsar of Kazan, Tsar of Astrakhan, Tsar of Poland, Tsar of Siberia, Tsar of Tauric Khersones, Tsar of Georgia, Lord of Pskov, and Grand Duke of Smolensk, Lithuania, Volhynia, Podolia and Finland, Prince of Estonia, Courland and Semigalia, Samogitia, Bialystock, Karalia, Tver, Yugra, Perm, Vyatka, Bulgaria and other territories; Lord and Grand Duke of Nizhni Novgorod, Chernigov; Ruler of Ryazan, Polotsk, Rostov, Yaroslavl, Beloozero, Udoria, Obdoria, Kondia,Vitebsk, Msislav and all the northern territories; Ruler of Iveria, Karalinia and the Kambardinian lands and Armenian territories; hereditary Ruler and Lord of the Cherkess and Mountain Princes and others ;Lord of Turkestan, Heir of Norway, Duke of Schleswig-Holstein, Stomarn, Dithmarschen, Oldenburg and so forth, and so forth, and so forth. Introductions at parties must have been a nightmare!

U.S. President, George W. Bush, has a morbid fear of peanuts; according to my source in the Foreign Office.

In one of my morose moments, I was contemplating the idea of war. Our recent wars have been mishandled, to be sure, by our Politicians. Our politicians are not always to blame. During the Napoleonic wars, the British were so short of good commanders that they invested their trust in Sir William Erskine. On hearing of Erskine’s promotion to command, the Duke of Wellington wrote to the war office saying that Erskine ‘was insane’. This was fair comment, as Erskine had been committed to an asylum - twice! If that was not enough, he was virtually blind. In one of his first battles he was put in charge of a force of cavalry and light infantry. Unable to see the enemy, he ordered his troops to charge in completely wrong direction, allowing the French to avoid a crushing defeat. This strange man died after jumping out of a window in Lisbon. His last word’s were ‘Why on earth did I do that’.

I went lawn bowling with old ‘nobbin’ Williams the other day. It made me think; who did invent the beautiful game of lawn bowls. Apparently, the game was probably invented in Russia in the 12th century. Their game, however, involved earthen wear bowls thrown at a fireplace. It would be a few hundred years before the idea of balls came into the game.

The animal kingdom contains many dangers. I , myself once witnessed a single ant terrorising a Malay village for weeks. A recent terror is the killer squirrel. One such monster lately ran amok in the town of Passau, Germanland. The squirrel first ran into a house in the southern town of Passau, leaped from behind on a 70-year-old woman, and sank its teeth into her hand. The poor lady then ran into the street with the beast still clinging to her arm. The animal then entered a building site and jumped on a construction worker, injuring him on the hand and arm, before he managed to fight it off with a measuring pole. After that, the killer Squirrel attacked a 72 year old man in his garden. After biting him in the arms and legs, the heroic oldie managed to beat the animal to death with his crutch. A spokesman said that it may have something to do with the squirrels mating season, or maybe it was just ill.

I met with old ‘Porky’ Patterson the other day at the Club. Marvelous chap ‘Porky’, worked for the Home office for years. Sometimes, after a few to many ports at the Club, he lets slip some long buried government secrets. His latest revelation was that in 1847, a team of intrepid Pygmies from the Congo made the first successful assent of Everest. Their leader, Wo-no Bug fakker was reported as saying ‘It was good’. Unfortunately, the wider public was never to know about this heroic effort, as prejudice against the vertically challenged was at a height at this time. Good Queen Victoria, being of slight build herself, tried to bring the story to light but a bill was passed in Parliament outlawing any mention of the fact. Coincidentally, the same bill decreed that people under 5′5” would always be served last at bars.

I have never really had much of an interest in active sports, too much good food and port have seen to that. I do, however, enjoy watching some of the more unusual sports. One such sport is known as ‘Punkin Chukin’ and is practised by some of our poorer, more backward American cousins. The world record distance for hurling a pumpkin was set by an air cannon called Aludium Q-36 Pumpkin Modulator in 2001 at the Morton Pumpkin Festival, Illinois. The 36,000-pound cannon constructed by Brad Livek has a barrel 80 feet long and fired a 10 pound pumpkin 4,860 feet.